| it's been a while |
[Mar. 26th, 2006|10:12 am] |
so it's been a really long time since i've updated...a really long time in fact...but I'm back! I'm trying to get my life back in order, there's soo many things i wanna do but because my life so out of wack just can't get done what i wanna get done. so here goes fresh start day 1!
andre and i are back together...and this time i've got to make it work! we've decided to be completely honest with each other even when we're scared of how the other person might react. and really get our lives together not just for each other but for ourselves most importantly. we're just each other's motivation really. i've got a year and a half before i graduate and i need to pull up my GPA big time! but i'm going to do it...you just wait and see! then after i graduate i'll go to grad school to get my degree in educational administration and something else possibly (either something in psychology or art history). after that i'm not sure what to expect only that andre and i will hopefully still be together. depending on where i go to grad school andre said he'll move around to be with me and that's just wonderful. he came to visit during spring break and i've never had such a perfect time (more details to follow in a later entry) but right now i've just got to get my goals into action...lol maybe i'll do a goal sheet like i used to do for hillestad. but my major goal is to get my body back into shape...i want to lose about ten pounds! (i'd insert a pic here but i dont know how hehehe)
so between getting back into shape and raising my GPA i got a lot going on.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 3rd, 2005|10:41 am] |
i think i might have ended things with andre last night...but not because i dont like him but because i think i might love him. and i'm just an enormous mess. completely confused. things were never this complicated in my head when we were together but now that we're apart things are just so hard. i might never see him again, there's no sense of security in our relationship. and the only other attempt at long distance was with clayton and well that didnt turn out to great. so now anything that goes wrong, any little fight like last night, just reminds me of how horrible things turned out with clayton and i get really sick in my stomach, i become empty, and just want to let go now before having to go through the same shit again with andre, even though i'm not sure its going to happen. and there's just so many signs out there reminding me of him. omg my horoscope for today: "You may be unusually harsh when it comes to other people's feelings -- but during evening hours someone is sure to break through your shell and spark sympathy." was i unusually harsh last night? damnit! errr!
i'm going to do my yoga now maybe it'll relax me and bring some peace and clear thought to me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 21st, 2005|03:52 pm] |
it'll be my 20th birthday this year, in EIGHT days. two decades of my life have passed and sometimes i wonder what i have to show for it. my god i think back to when i first met some of my friends now, like angela, the first person i met in aviano i was 14 then. has it already been six years or almost six years? anyways this year will be kind of sad...just having moved to oklahoma friends in the local area are not very abundant, my family (parents and what not) have yet to even ask me what i want this year, and worst of all the man i was dating and starting to fall in love with, my boss from target, is all the way in fucking miami! so yeah i'll be the big 2-0!
but in case someone does care and remember wants to send me a birthday card or something... just a note saying hi is really all that matters something to say you still remember me and love me....
11400 Gateshead DR
Oklahoma City, Ok 73170 |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 22nd, 2005|11:34 pm] |
i've been seeing my boss now since May 1 and i really like him. i mean i really really like him. he's smart, already has his master's degree and he's 25! he's sooo adorable and cultured. he's traveled the world, he's got aspirations, he's sweet and romantic, everything any girl in her right mind would want! and i'm starting to fall in love with him...but i wonder if he feels the same way for me too. i mean what have i got to offer him...NOTHING! and worst off i'm leaving, so even if love did come about or whatever there's no point in mentioning it or anything...what for... right?
last thought: for the first time clayton doesn't even compare to him...it used to be other ppl didnt compare to clayton, so if that's the case did i ever really love clayton? |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 18th, 2005|05:51 pm] |
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grrr! fucking shitty days when will they end? i really could go for a really good kiss now, or at least a hug or something. my god i would even go for no strings attached sex on a random tuesday morning. oh dear... |
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| thanks sil! |
[Mar. 27th, 2005|08:04 pm] |
WHAT IS YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD LIKE?: cuban ghetto apartment gone classy
DO YOU LIVE IN AN APARTMENT OR HOUSE?: appartment
ARE YOUR PARENTS TOGETHER?: yes
WHAT KINDS OF PETS DO YOU HAVE?: my baby ...she's a cat her name's luna
WHAT ARE YOUR PARENTS JOBS?: my dad's aviation information specialist or something my mami's a teacher's aide
DO YOU HANG OUT WITH A LARGE OR SMALL GROUP?: small
HOW MANY PAIRS OF SHOES DO YOU HAVE?: too many
WHAT DO YOUR PAJAMAS LOOK LIKE?: they have reindeer...lol! or my baby pink silk nightgown
HOW MANY PIERCINGS DO YOU HAVE AND WHERE?: five in my ears..one on my navel
WHAT PIERCINGS DO YOU WANT TO GET?: that's about it for now
WHAT RELIGION ARE YOU?: catholic
WHY?: brought up that way, just stuck to it...kind of makes life easier sometimes
10 THINGS THAT WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY RIGHT NOW:
1. losing ten more pounds
2. money
3. car
4. if i had a boyfriend
5. forgetting clayton
6. finding some sort of tranquility
7. chocolate
8. going back to school
9. some vanilla coke
10. visiting my aviano ppl
FAVORITES.
CITIES: london, rome, zaragoza, athens
ARTICLES OF CLOTHING: my undies!
THINGS IN YOUR HOUSE: my pictures
TV SHOW CHARACTERS: ummm
TV SHOWS: sex and the city, desperate housewives
PLACES TO BE: cafes, movie theater, the beach, a really good party!
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...
OPEN-MINDED: yes
YOURSELF: umm yes
INDEPENDENT: i think so, or at least i'm getting there
FAIR: yes
KIND:yes
GOOD-LOOKING: i've been told i am
FUNNY: lol yeah
ANNOYING: i can be
SMART: clayton calls me his little genius
SLOW: hahaha no
WILD: boh
REBELLIOUS: i've been called the black sheep of my family
SWEET: yeah
GOOD: yah
HAVE YOU EVER...
SMOKED POT: no
SHOT OR HELD A REAL GUN: no
SHOT UP HEROIN: no
HAD SEX: lol yes
BEEN ARRESTED: nope
WENT PAINTBALLING: nope
SNORTED COCAINE/SMOKED CRACK: no
USED SOMEONE: no
BEEN USED: yes
ATTEMPTED SUICIDE: no
GOTTEN WASTED: yes
RIGHT NOW.
OBSESSION: saving money
ANNOYANCE: CLAYTON omg more than my dad
EVENT: bush gardens
CLOTHES: my silk robe with hearts
FOOD/DRINK: kisses
MUSIC: killers
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF...
GAY MARRIAGES: don't mind gays...but marriage i'm not too sure of
ABORTION: absolutely wrong
WAR: just awful
HOMOSEXUALS: nothing special...just people
HOMOPHOBES: they need a freakin' life
FEMINISM: it's brought women a long way
SATANISM: hmmm
RACISM: for people that are close minded and simply ridiculous
CHRISTIANITY: it's a good thing
RAP MUSIC: some of it is good
ROCK MUSIC: sure why not
MTV: it's gone wrong
SUSHI: not my thing
CHEESE: love it!
SHOWERS: they really get hott!
SEX: omg i need some good sex now!
SCHOOL: miss it
LABELS: pointless
INCEST: eww thats fucked up!
RANDOMNESS.
WHAT MOOD ARE YOU IN RIGHT NOW?: kind of confused and frustrated
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU MADE OUT WITH SOMEONE?: don't wanna go there
DO YOU WATCH A LOT OF TV?: not really
WHAT'S THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?: cafe
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU THREW UP?: halloween...i got wasted
WHAT KIND OF NOSE DO YOU HAVE?: needs some fixen'
ARE YOU SUPERFICIAL: i dont think so.. |
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| i just cant |
[Mar. 18th, 2005|07:47 pm] |
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i cant let it get to me. i cant let him destroy my life anymore. but how? how do i let it all go? all the memories, all of my dreams, all of my hopes, and all of the promises? how do i let one life i had just die and another begin to save me? everything makes me ill to my stomach. last night i slept all of three hours if that. i dont understand how there just isnt room for me anymore. how one moment it was all about me and now i'm not even meant to exist. how come there arent any second chances? how come i cant change the past? or maybe it really was just not meant to be. and the sad thing is that only time will tell. but what do i do when my time has become frozen. time has frozen only for me. and all i can do is live in a dream or live in the hell of reality. no one will ever understand how hard this is. how hard it is to just forget and move on. it's as if they've taken my essence, all of my happiness, everything that kept me alive and just destroyed it all and the only thing i can feel is that destruction. i just feel so dead. and the only life that's within me is pain, emptiness, and loneliness. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 18th, 2005|11:10 am] |
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the idaho potatoe is moving in with clayton! wtf! his reasoning: "what else is there left for us to do?" it's not because "i love her and need her with me", it's because he hates being alone and what else is there left to do? he describes her as a sunday morning drive, and then says he doesnt want that everyday even though that's what he'll be getting and he knows it....whatever i give up. if that's what will making him happy fine. besides i've got guys here than want to "beat" |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 15th, 2005|12:21 pm] |
is it soo hard to pick up a damn phone?!
is it possible that we confuse our own feelings for the feelings others have for us?
and what's important the ability to have a wonderful conversation or great chemistry? or good conversation and fucking orgasmic chemistry?
damnit! |
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